Alternate Lives

Today I want to put up the first of a hopefully running series of posts, evolving around what I suspect hockey players are like when a little more candid. Most of the time this will revolve around Penguins players or (as in today's inaugural post) former Penguins. Oh yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and say that if you haven't, go check out the disclaimer (article 5) before reading this.

Today we're going to take a look at a Pittsburgh born and bred power forward, Ryan Malone.

*Somewhere in the darkest depths of Tampa Bay, Ryan Malone sits at a table, drawing up a diabolical plan*

Ryan Malone: Curses! If only I had stayed! I could have had that accursed Cup! Now look at me...plotting my revenge in a dark, dank basement. *continues to plot his revenge*

*A few moments later, a phone rings*

Ryan Malone: Who would be calling me? *answers phone* Hello...?

Voice on Phone: You don't know me, but we have a common enemy.

Ryan Malone: I don't know...you sound familiar...Wait-You want to get Don Waddell put in a mental institution as well?!

Voice on Phone: No, you idiot. Your other enemy. The team who wouldn't resign you.

Ryan Malone: Dad, is this you? We've been over this a million times, just because you played for them doesn't mean they owe you anyth-

Voice on Phone: SHUTUP! I have a plan. I need you to be in Pittsburgh the night of
December 5th.

Ryan Malone: I don't know. If you're not my dad, I probably shouldn't be talking to you. There's here in flordia...

Voice on Phone: I'm in Chicago now! I'm not even near florida!

Ryan Malone: Wait...That thick accent, hates the Penguins...you can only be one person!

Voice on Phone: Yes! Now you unders-

Ryan Malone: You're DAVID VOLEK! You ruined my childhood!

Voice on Phone: DAMNIT THIS IS MARIAN HOSSA! DAVID VOLEK IS OVER IN THE CZECH SOMEWHERE!

Ryan Malone: Oh.

Hossa: I need you to break Sidney Crosby, Evgeny Malkin, MA Fleury, Brooks Orpik-

Ryan Malone: Even if I wanted to hurt all those guys, I sure as shit don't wanna mess with Brooksie.

Hossa: IT'S JUST HIS EYES! HE'S JUST ANOTHER DEFENSEMAN! HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY HAVE ANY FREE CANDY!

Ryan Malone: Well, duh. He still creeps me the hell out. Did you see that team photo from after the Cup win?

Hossa: No. I was too busy having the Heimlich maneuver performed. I was choking.

Ryan Malone: Well go ahead and look it up. I'll wait.

*Hossa googles the image*




Hossa: OH SWEET FEDEROV! Nevermind! I'll just hate the Red Wings!

Ryan Malone: They have Niklas Kronwall. May I recommend you help me with my Don Wadell problem?

Hossa: ANYTHING!! Just make the image go away!! AHH!!!!!!!!